While teaching one of my children the Act of Contrition*, I realized a greater depth of theological understanding was needed when listening closely, I heard, “Oh my God, I am hardly sorry for having offended Thee….” Even as I clarified the actual wording with a heavily enunciated “heart – i – ly sorry”, I choked back a laugh at the truth of the blunder. ‘Out of the mouth of babes’ came a reality to which I could surely relate.
After all, it can be a difficult prayer. How many times while preparing for the Sacrament of Confession, for example, do I have to battle urges to blame a portion of my sins on the behavior of someone else? I might be very sorry…but so should they. Or how many times, while praying it at the close of Confession, do I stumble over the resolve to “avoid the near occasion of sin,” thinking (uncharitably, to be sure), ‘How am I supposed to avoid my family??’ Afterall, most of my near occasions don’t come from consorting with The Enemy in dank sin-drenched places. Most of my transgressions are of the everyday variety that come from co-existing with other fallible human beings, namely my spouse and kids.
In fact, I’m sure I could be on the fast track to sainthood if it weren’t for other people, specifically those with whom I live. The people who most frequently bump up against me, knocking my halo all askew, are the people who have excessive opportunities and nearly limitless power to annoy. I don’t mind being shaped by The Potter, but I often resent and resist when those life lessons are delivered via equally-unfinished people and the circumstances created by living in such close quarters. Frankly, the worst that they bring out in me might not even exist if they didn’t do that one thing or another that made me behave so badly.
Yes, yes, they have their finer points too. They can be funny and cute and consoling and helpful and loving and generous and thoughtful. But so can a lot of people. Why did God decide that family – a structure built upon a promise and procreation – was a good idea when it seems like such an unlikely place to entrust such great expectations? Why family? Why day-in-and-day-out, through all the stages and phases, until death do us part?
Therein, I think, lies the short answer: because it is. Because it is, if standing solely on its own, without benefit of God’s design of promise-plus-procreation, a tenuous agreement susceptible to temptations – or even mere whims by one or the other – to move out and move on. Instead, bonded by mutual affection and self-giving love, guarded by rules of conduct to provide for the needs and nurturing of its members, family becomes the perfect soil to grow in goodness – including, since humans are human, a secure place in which to combat sinfulness without fear of being abandoned or discarded. Elevated to a sacred commitment by the One Who is the source of life, truth, and love, each person can rely not only on themselves, and not only on another, but can count on God’s grace, strength, and power, on His playbook and guidance day-in-and-day-out, through all the stages and phases, until life’s earthly end. Family can help us recognize and learn to appropriately act on our need for an intimate loving connection to others and our need for an intimate loving connection with God. Along with all the other things that they are to us, family members are life-long agents in the process of our sanctification.
They are forces in my ascent to holiness, as I am in theirs. God’s divinely ingenious plan takes into account that my inclination to sin was, is, and will be a constant companion from first breath to last, oftentimes capable of hiding under the surface of a pleasant, albeit untested, exterior. In most areas of life, my relationships can be (although not necessarily are) more orchestrated, transient, and shallow – measured by both the amount of time I spend, whether it’s hours per day or years per lifetime, as well as the depth of attachment and disclosure I choose. Not so with family. I can be blissfully (and perhaps pridefully?) ignorant of a vice, until a spouse or child does something that prods me to turn into crazy-lady – and, ideally, makes me realize I have some more interior work to do. At home, all masks slip, making the family, if we allow it, an ideal (and ideally inescapable) training ground for holiness.
Growing in holiness requires us to learn how to love more perfectly and deeply. To do that, we must be free to make the choice to love and be willing to include sacrifice for the other in that decision. In a mysterious way, the mutual promise of marriage makes us more free to do those things. God’s design for family provides the opportunity for a man and woman to come together, freely pledge to love each other for better or worse, and thus create a safe and permanent union in which both imperfect beings can become known to each other more fully and come to know themselves more fully. Furthermore, this union can extend beyond themselves by welcoming children who then can also share in, learn from, and help hone that self-giving love.
That sounds wonderful because it is; God’s plans are always perfect. Unfortunately, our ability to interfere with them is nearly as astounding. Yet His objective – our holiness and eventual welcome into heaven – has not changed, and neither should ours. While sanctification works most easily when each family member strives to be Christ to the others, He knows that our tendency is to notice (and usually point out) how someone else could be more Christ-like to us.
But nobody could be more Christ-like than Christ Himself. While we are striving toward holiness, He is already there, in the midst of our families, committed and ever-ready to pour out His love and grace. Particularly accessible through prayer and the sacraments, He provides strength and encouragement and whatever other particular tools we need, appropriate to the circumstances of the moment. It is both a promise we can rely on and a gift we can ask for. When welcomed, it can promote holiness, soften hearts, prevent discord, and heal brokenness. Ideally, it can be procured as a preventive measure but is also available and effective in emergencies when we feel we’re being stretched well beyond reason and will. In those moments, we can find a new and divinely inspired perspective or path leading to a refreshed appreciation for why God is God and I am not. In those moments, I am heartily sorry for my shortcomings and heartfully optimistic for traveling this earthly road from start to finish with my select set of imperfect sojourners.
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The Vatican website notes that there are several different Acts of Contrition prayers. Here is the traditional (which I learned as a child and referenced in this article) and an alternate form.
Act of Contrition (traditional)
O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because of Thy just punishments, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, who art all good and deserving of all my love.
I firmly resolve with the help of Thy grace to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. Amen.
Act of Contrition (alternate form)
My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against You whom I should love above all things.
I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. In His Name, my God, have mercy.
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Note: I hope it is obvious that this article does not address abusive marriages, and does not advocate for staying in an unsafe environment.
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