Meeting Them Where They Are

Most of us have at least one member of our immediate or extended family who is highly unlikely to set foot inside a church, pick up a religious-oriented book, or be receptive to the topic of faith – much less bring it up – over a meal or at a reunion. There are many others – friends, co-workers, classmates, neighbors – who are not relatives, but nevertheless have close ties to or influence over us and our loved ones. They, too, would not entertain the topic nor answer the door if we went knocking with Bible or Catechism in hand.

It’s beyond sad. We know what and how much they are missing. We know Who they are missing. And we know that we are missing a vital piece of a rich relationship with them – one that includes sharing core truths that impact our life view, activities, and decisions.

But how do we reach them?

Here are three approaches, along with some practical suggestions for discovering footholds to help those we care about desire the richness of taking steps toward a relationship with Christ. They are:

• Fortifying our foundation
• Praying more fruitfully
• Surrendering confidently

Fortify Our Foundation

Refreshing the basics of knowing, loving, and serving God

I love the “new” (1992) Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC), but sometimes prefer the succinct Q&A presentation of Church teachings in the old Baltimore Catechism. For instance, there’s no mistaking our mission when reading the answer to one of the first questions posed: Why did God make you?  God made me to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him forever in Heaven.

What a great one-sentence clarification of our life’s purpose!

Unfortunately, despite our best intentions, we can get distracted from this all-important mission. On top of the busy-ness of life becoming an obstacle, we, ironically, can become so immersed in our concern over loved ones that we over-focus on them and neglect nurturing our own dynamic relationship with God. In the limited time that we specifically orient toward knowing, loving, and serving, we may lean into the one or two elements with which we feel most comfortable or that can most easily fit into a busy schedule. It’s natural to be drawn to things that play to our strengths and fit easily into our time budget, but all three really are critical to our faith life and for the faith of those around us. A few thoughts about tending to them so that a well-rounded relationship is cultivated….

Know God 

Not to cause panic, but we should be grounded in the basic tenets of our faith. We don’t, however, have to be theologians before sharing it. Afterall, no one can know it all. (Does anyone even like a know-it-all?)

On the other hand, we can’t give what we don’t have. Sometimes – speaking as a cradle Catholic here- we may think we “know” something and it turns out our memory or understanding is faulty. There’s no valid excuse for neglecting our own journey to better know and appreciate God. In addition, people often bypass or leave the Faith because of misconceptions. Chances are, our relatives and friends are among them. Accuracy is important. Sometimes – speaking as a cradle Catholic here – we even may think we “know” something and it turns out that our memory or understanding is faulty. Fortunately, the Church that Jesus founded to shepherd us provides a beautiful and comprehensive depository of the Faith and the means to access it.

This, by the way, is not about “professional development” – as if Catholicism is progressing and we need to stay abreast of the latest developments. Instead, we are maturing and need to be renewed with an ever-deepening understanding and application of our Faith. There’s a wealth of wisdom there. Every Bible story heard as a child has more layers waiting to be discovered. Any devotional read last week can reveal new insights this week. Each Church precept or rule – the frequent targets of rebellion – has cohesive reasoning that points to why it benefits us.

So, we must be willing to dig deeper.

Methods for diving in can be super simple – like turning on a local Catholic radio station while driving. Or, when doing web searches on topics of interest, adding “Catholic” into the search bar to locate the Church’s perspective. And speaking of websites, we can access those of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops ( https://www.usccb.org ) and the Vatican ( http://www.vatican.va/ ). Both have robust internet presences, making it very easy – and free – to peruse the Bible, the Catechism of the Catholic Church, Mass readings and homilies for the day, encyclicals, and other materials of interest covered in their vast arrays of resources, archives, and posts.

There are also a crazy number of other reliable resources: websites, apps, social media platforms, videos, podcasts, retreats, newspapers, and books (classics to contemporary), that instruct and nourish, as well as apply the Faith to common, hot-button, or current concerns. Whatever the special interest , there are answers to any pertinent question, and they likely can be found in your preferred format.

Reliable is a key word though. When investigating, we need to make sure we’re turning to an authentic Catholic resource and not a fringe Catholic-in-name-only forum. Be vigilant. (Pope bashing is a red flag, as are attacks or twists on core Church teachings.)

The more we know, the more we grow and the more tools we have at-the-ready when a question or challenge arises. Our research may make us better able to share a few facts or articulate some reasons for our love of and adherence to the Catholic faith. And when we don’t have an adequate answer about a specific issue, we still have a head start on knowing where we might find trustworthy material that addresses the concern. Specific stumbling blocks about the Faith vary from person to person, but there are recurring themes when it comes to barriers to accepting God and/or the Church. Whatever obstacle is proposed is bound to have bothered somebody in the past 2000+ years! In fact, it’s likely there is a plethora of information addressing the issue. All we need to do is access or recommend it.

Love God

It may not be true for everyone, but for God, the adage “to know Him is to love Him” fits aptly.

The more we move from knowing about Him on an intellectual level to experiencing and responding to Him on a personal level, the more we segue into a greater and deeper devotion.

And like other warmhearted relationships, love expands through shared moments: casual and relaxed, intense and transformative, delightful, profound, inspiring, grief-stricken – and all that comes between. Of course the Church provides abundant ways to protect and deepen our union with the Lord – such as the seven sacraments*, the five precepts**, Scriptural readings in and outside of Mass, adoration, prayers, and numerous other devotions and practices throughout the liturgical year. Nature provides another way to commune with the Creator. Gathering with others to celebrate or console are yet other times to connect. When God is not specifically the center of the occasion, it’s easy to forget that He is there – but all activities, as well as our relationship with Him, will be enhanced by our awareness and appreciation of His presence in all the moments of life. The more we are mindful of that, the greater our love will grow and show.

Why does this matter in our concern for our loved ones? Because our joyful, inspired, and intentional approach to life will be a quiet testimony to our faith. When Jesus accompanies us as we participate in living, our Unassuming and Often Silent Guest, although invisible in the physical sense, will nonetheless have a profound impact on the dynamics.

Serve God 

Satan’s “I will not serve!” should be a strong enough endorsement of the need to double down on our willingness to be of service.

But there’s more.

God’s love for us and our responding devotion were never meant to be contained, but rather to fruitfully spill over into how we relate to each other and to the rest of creation. Whether by words or actions, serving God through serving others is both an outpouring of and a testament to God’s love. It’s a way for us to connect with others, poised to be an advocate for the Almighty. In other words, it creates opportunities for Heaven and Earth to intersect.

Identifying ways to serve is the easy part, as problems facing our families and society in general are pretty much limitless. Serving according to the needs we notice, as well as our individual talents and inclinations, means that we have abundant opportunities to work for the well-being of others in small and big ways. Each one of us fills a unique and vital niche for helping Christ travel a little farther and wider.

Learning how to serve in such a way that we allow others to see that our actions originate in and are a reflection of God’s love – without alienating them – can be a bit more dicey. Yet, if the ultimate goal is for them to have or to renew a relationship with the Lord, then we must not be fearful of connecting those dots when opportunities arise. In fact, we are specifically called to proclaim the Gospel, to evangelize. Although St. Francis of Assisi is credited with saying, “Preach the Gospel always; if necessary, use words,” others remind us that well-timed words are also instrumental in sharing the Good News.

Here are some examples of what may work (or what may inspire an idea that will)…

Some people, for whatever reason, just don’t bother thinking about God. So if it’s not prohibited and we don’t think it will be antagonistic, we can try openly witnessing to and ministering in the name of Jesus.  Sometimes we just need to be a little more courageous or daring! He may not be on their radar until we make some effort to put Him there. We can try by offering to pray with or for a concern, or suggesting a faith-oriented resource with useful information fitted to a situation they are facing. We may be able to extend an invitation to Mass, a prayer chain, retreat, study group, or another faith-exploring or faith-affirming activity.

For the more reserved family members or friends (skittish perhaps, but not vehemently anti-Church), we may be able to open the door by inviting them to Church events that are welcoming on a social level but low-key theologically-speaking.  For people who may feel a pull toward hands-on service, we can propose co-volunteering in one of the many outreaches of the Church. A little less directly, our social media outlets can be utilized to advertise church events that are open to all, or to inspire with Scriptural or other faith-based posts.

In circumstances where initiating discussion about God would be politely (or not so politely) declined, we still may be able to ask questions or steer conversations and activities toward “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, … any excellence… anything worthy of praise.” (Philippians 4:4-9) Afterall, evidence of God abounds in this world, and the people He created are hard-wired with an attraction to truth, love, and beauty whether they recognize its origin or not. We also may be a silent or semi-silent witness (perhaps eventually leading to a full-blown conversation) when our behavior is backed up by such things as the “messaging” of religious jewelry, clothing, a scapular, crucifix, rosary beads, artwork, music, or matter-of-fact statements about our whereabouts or plans for the day/week.

Pray More Fruitfully

Praying for the virtues and the gifts of the Holy Spirit, praying with others, and combining prayer with other sacrifices

Ever since the fall, prayer has been a bridge for the great divide between Heaven and Earth. Prayer is, according to St. John Damascene as quoted in the Catechism, “the raising of one’s mind and heart to God or the requesting of good things from God.” (par. 2559). As with all communication, engaging in prayer can deepen and fortify our relationship with God. But even when our conversations with Him are personal and private, they still encompass our fellow sojourners on this planet, particularly those placed in our inner circle.

To pray more fruitfully, it’s vital that we consciously and conscientiously begin by orienting ourselves to Thy Will be done. Particularly when praying for others, we need His guidance to govern our approach, including knowing if and when any further action is beneficial.

It could be that it’s not. Sometimes our help begins and ends with prayer, completely hidden from our loved ones; sometimes we sow seeds (known or unknown) that will be harvested through another means; and sometimes we are called to conspicuously provide testimony, instruction, or other assistance as a visible advocate for Our Lord.

So in our very-good quest to help others love God, let’s first pray that we will remember to seek God’s guidance about our role in other’s journeys, and then that we seize opportunities to boldly and courageously take action when called for… and deliberately and valiantly refrain from direct action when that’s what we’re called to do.

Pray for the virtues and gifts of the Holy Spirit

While each situation is different, one thing all have in common is a need to approach them with as pure a heart as possible. Enter virtues and gifts of the Holy Spirit!

And just to clarify (and I don’t mean to sound snarky), these are for us, not the ones for whom we’re praying! For one thing, it’s best to avoid speculating about the virtues and gifts that we consider would be most beneficial to another individual. We don’t want to get caught in a loop of focusing on their splinter while ignoring our own log. It’s compassionate to pray for another’s growth in virtues, but we can get on a weird path if praying for some sort of revelation about which virtues are seriously lacking in them. It’s like asking what their most pressing sins are, which is more than a little creepy.

Secondly, we want to unveil specific virtues and gifts tailored to all aspects of the battle. One fascinating element of praying for someone else is that we often discover that God’s overarching plan includes provisions for our own edification too. For example, relying on my own wisdom, I may be absolutely certain that more fortitude is required for winning over a “stubborn” soul and, as luck would have it, I have no shortage of dogged persistence! While charging ahead with my diagnosis and remedy, however, I can miss God in His wisdom telling me that charity is actually the key to welcoming my loved-one home. Furthermore, “as luck would have it” in this pretend scenerio, charity just happens to be a virtue in which I need to grow. (Okay, maybe that last part wasn’t so make-believe!)

Of course, all seven virtues and seven gifts are important all the time, and we should not belittle them by thinking of them as tactics for manipulation. At least not of others. As tools for shaping ourselves? Certainly!

There’s really only one way to grow these wonderful qualities – and that’s by practicing them. That sounds quaint, but it can be harder than it seems. For instance, a pastor once noted that, when we pray to increase our – patience, for example – God will respond by providing many opportunities to practice that virtue. Stop and think about what it means to be granted plenty of occasions to practice patience! (Don’t get scared off by that; in addition to opportunity, God also provides grace… and in greater abundance.)

So where do we start? The definitions below may prick our consciences and illuminate some of our individual strengths and weaknesses. A formal or informal Examination of Conscience done regularly can likewise uncover areas for growth – as well as increase our awareness of promptings from God in real-time. What constitutes “regularly” is left to our own discretion, but reflecting each night before bed is often recommended. The Examination itself can range from an informal chat with God to a more structured series of questions, of which there are many versions. Several can be found using this link to the USCCB website. More can be accessed using this link to the Ignatian Spirituality site. Typing in “Examination of Conscience” or “Prepare for confession” to any search engine will yield even more, many of which are targeted for specific subgroups or situations.

So now, the virtues. The main ones. Our positive behaviors are rooted in the three theological and four cardinal virtues recognized as core by the Church. The theological ones, or those oriented to our relationship with God, are faith, hope, and charity. The cardinal ones (also called human, natural, or moral virtues) are justice, temperance, prudence, and fortitude. It may seem too simplistic to have only seven, but try this: choose any positive characteristic (such as “remaining calm when feeling provoked”) and see if it is in fact covered under one or some of the seven (possibly equal measures of charity, temperance, and prudence?)

Here are CCC definitions of all (and a notation of the paragraph in which they appear).

• • Faith is “the theological virtue by which we believe in God and believe all that he has said and revealed to us, and that Holy Church proposes for our belief, because he is truth itself.” (par. 1814).

• • Hope is “the theological virtue by which we desire the Kingdom of Heaven and eternal life as our happiness, placing our trust in Christ’s promises and relying not on our own strength, but on the help of the grace of the Holy Spirit.” (par. 1817)

• • Charity (or love) is “the theological virtue by which we love God above all things for his own sake, and our neighbor as ourselves for the love of God.” (para.1822) In another section addressing passions and emotions, the CCC simply says, “To love is to will the good of another.” (par. 1766)

• • Justice is “the moral virtue that consists in the constant and firm will to give their due to God and neighbor.” (par. 1807)

• • Temperance is “the moral virtue that moderates the attraction of pleasures and provides balance in the use of created goods. It ensures the will’s mastery over instincts and keeps desires within the limits of what is honorable.” (par.1809).

• • Prudence is “the virtue that disposes practical reason to discern our true good in every circumstance and to choose the right means of achieving it; ‘the prudent man looks where he is going.’” (par. 1806, and including quote from RSV Bible, Proverbs 14:15)

• • Fortitude is “the moral virtue that ensures firmness in difficulties and constancy in the pursuit of the good. It strengthens the resolve to resist temptations and to overcome obstacles in the moral life. The virtue of fortitude enables one to conquer fear, even fear of death, and to face trials and persecutions. It disposes one even to renounce and sacrifice his life in defense of a just cause.” (par. 1808)

No less important are the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. You can find other Catholic-oriented definitions of each, but here (below) they are described in the words of Pope Francis in papal audiences during 2014. As we become more open to the gifts (ask for them!), we experience their fruits, manifested by increases in charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness, faithfulness, modesty, self-control, and chastity. Sounds pretty good.

• • Wisdom “is the grace of being able to see everything with the eyes of God. It is simply this: it is to see the world, to see situations, circumstances, problems, everything through God’s eyes.” (April 9, 2014)

• • Understanding “enables us to understand things as God understands them, with the mind of God. For one can understand a situation with human understanding, with prudence, and this is good. But to understand a situation in depth, as God understands it, is the effect of this gift.” (April 30, 2014)

• • Knowledge “that comes from the Holy Spirit… is not limited to human knowledge; it is a special gift, which leads us to grasp, through creation, the greatness and love of God and his profound relationship with every creature.” (May 21, 2014)

• • Counsel “is the gift through which the Holy Spirit enables our conscience to make a concrete choice in communion with God, according to the logic of Jesus and his Gospel.”  (May 7, 2014)

• • Fortitude is the gift through which “the Holy Spirit liberates the soil of our heart, He frees it from sluggishness, from uncertainty and from all the fears that can hinder it, so that the Lord’s Word may be put into practice authentically and with joy. The gift of fortitude is a true help, it gives us strength, and it also frees us from so many obstacles.” (May 14, 2014)

• • Piety “indicates our belonging to God and our profound relationship with Him, a bond that gives meaning to our life and keeps us sound, in communion with Him, even during the most difficult and tormenting moments.” (June 4, 2014)

• • Fear of the Lord “is the gift of the Holy Spirit through Whom we are reminded of how small we are before God and of His love and that our good lies in humble, respectful and trusting self-abandonment into His hands. This is fear of the Lord: abandonment in the goodness of our Father who loves us so much.”  (June 11, 2014)

Pray with others for others 

Praying with others is a tradition with numerous examples in both the Old and New Testaments. Jesus Himself modeled the practice when teaching the apostles how to pray like Him, opening with the words, “OUR Father….”  Likewise,praying for others is expected to be an integral part of our spiritual lives. As noted in the Catechism:

Since Abraham, intercession – asking on behalf of another – has been characteristic of a heart attuned to God’s mercy…. In intercession, he who prays looks “not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others,” even to the point of praying for those who do him harm. (par. 2635; including quote from RSV Bible, Philippians2:4)

Imagine God’s joy when we not only come together to pray, but are united in an intercessory petition for yet another of His children.

In addition, a shared burden is a lighter burden. When we join with others to pray for our intentions – for those loved ones and situations about which we are concerned –  it helps us and them to not feel so alone in the struggles.

Similarly, a shared battle is a more formidable foe. Unquestionably, God’s power is limitless and not controlled by number-of-prayers-said nor number-of-people-praying. Nevertheless, standing shoulder to shoulder against whatever evil we are fighting is powerful. Perhaps it’s that Satan, desiring our descent to despair, is thwarted by our demonstrated and fortified allegiance to Our Lord. Or maybe that God, knowing our dependence on what we sense in this material world, wishes to affirm our solidarity. I don’t know. But I do know that we are strengthened by the unity.

So, we should ask people to pray with us or for us. Simply saying, “for a special intention” is enough when we’re uncomfortable sharing details. In addition, even when we are physically alone, we are not alone in the desire to have loved ones come to or return to the Faith. That’s a worldwide heartache and we are never the only one praying for conversion and reversion, whether the others are right before our eyes or on a different continent. Likewise, we shouldn’t hesitate to ask the saints and the holy souls in Purgatory for help as well.

Pray, with additional sacrifices

Only God possesses the power to answer prayers, but we have been granted privileged access to the process. We enter into this mystery even more when we mirror fragments of God’s sacrificial love. So, while praying for others is in itself a form of sacrifice, we imitate Christ more closely when we put aside the lure of worldly comforts and offer something up in addition to our verbal prayers. By doing so, we reflect God’s generosity and mercy and we yield more deeply into the power of the only perfect sacrifice – the one offered by Jesus on the Cross. Although our offerings are meager by comparison, we are presenting our participation as a gift freely given. God, in His abounding love, magnifies and sanctifies that.

What might some of these meager gifts be? One might be fasting, or fasting from a food, drink or condiment of which we are particularly fond. Time can be offered by attending non-obligatory Masses, doing small acts of service, saying additional prayers, committing to a novena focused on the intention, or by forgoing a pleasurable activity. Another opportunity is to offer up the little inconveniences or duties that come our way that we may ordinarily complain about or hesitate to complete. Even if it’s a circumstance where, for example, we must correct another (such as when our child has misbehaved), we can still offer up the irritation or inconvenience while not abdicating our responsibility to gently admonish the little one.

Surrender, Confidently

Surrendering our claims on our loved one, our claims on the process, and our claims on the outcome.

It seems counterintuitive use the term “surrender” in a critical battle for souls, yet this is no ordinary human-based campaign. Neither are we turning ourselves over to an enemy! To surrender confidently, we’re surrendering to the One Whom we can trust completely, without reservation.

Surrender claims on our loved one

When it comes to igniting the embers of faith in another, we have great expectations. As we should! God’s plan is for each one of us to share eternity with Him. We’re called to evangelize, and we can hardly help but feel that no effort is too great when it comes to seeing our loved ones embrace a faith-filled life. Our desires for the salvation of those who are closest to our hearts are good and holy and blessed.

It’s hard to imagine a more worthy expression of love than wanting the ultimate best for family and friends. Yet there is, and it’s a gift that comes directly from the Hand of God: free will. Without it, there is no choice, no love. As far as gifts go, it’s also beyond genius (of course) and it is not ours to take away.

So, while we long to share the most significant truth with those closest to us, and while we believe that our efforts are simply commensurate with what is at stake, that’s not necessarily how it comes across. Our “best foot forward” (and the only worthy way of approaching another) requires that we respect who, what, and where they are spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, socially, and physically. Even when that means they are totally indifferent or have totally rejected God.

Rather than being empty vessels waiting for us to pour faith into them, each individual is filled with a host of interacting influences that have led to his or her particular world view. We need to not only “know” that, but also live it, through every painful tongue-biting moment. That’s not a call to inaction, but rather a call to prudent action. We need, as much as possible, to  combine our willingness to seek guidance from God with an openness to astutely take cues from the one we love so we can be responsive to who and where they are.

Surrender claims on the process

Circling back to what’s been previously noted in some places and alluded to in others: ultimately, this is not our battle. “Thy Will be done” is the proper reminder of Who is in charge.

However, what we know intellectually or theologically, may still present boots-on-the-ground challenges.

For one thing, while focused on the desire for a loved one’s best, our eagerness to help may inspire an overreaching hope that we will have a starring role in their deliverance. We are so willing! And it’s extremely gratifying when we are able to bring Christ, to be Christ, to another. But it’s not about us and, while we know that, we sometimes need a reminder.

Another testy factor is that the path to redemption not only has hills and valleys, but detours, stops, and reversals. Welcoming someone to or back to the Church is usually a long and complicated journey.

And then there’s the unfortunate and hard truth that sometimes we have no direct influence over the people we love most. A sad fact is that sometimes our witness, even our silent witness, can aggravate a heart that is ignoring or is hostile toward God, us, or both. We even may have faced the distress of botching what we thought was a perfect opportunity to be a fisher of men. These realities may lead us to paralysis if we despair, or pursuing them more aggressively if we feel like we’ve got nothing to lose. Those are “us-centered” approaches rather than God’s, so we best go back to square one, where we consult the Creator.

It also may help to recall that even those who literally walked with Christ got confused and confounded. Think of Peter’s denials. Think of doubting Thomas. There are questions and mysteries. And for individuals who don’t have a spiritual mindset, there may be no inkling that there are questions they could be asking, Godly answers to questions or challenges they face, or revelations that address mysteries. Thoughts about God or Godly matters may not exist in their minds. At all. Even if they “should” be.

That doesn’t mean our intervention is unnecessary. It’s likely just different than what we envision. As the saying goes, we have to ‘stay in our lane’, cultivating our faith and offerings, That’s actually good news: it’s not all dependent on us. More good news: instead of derailing a situation by taking charge, we’re letting God be God, and He’s very good at it! Trust that He can even work around our clumsy attempts to assist.

Surrender claims on the results

Again, something we likely know but may have a hard time keeping in mind: we are cooperating with God, not striking a deal with Him. Like us (only wwaaaayyyyy magnified), He will do everything possible to draw your loved one into His embrace. But He will not force it – that whole “free will” thing is powerful and ironclad.

If not even God will force it, we know we, too, cannot make someone turn to the Lord.

On the other hand, nothing, when placed in God’s hands, is wasted. All our efforts, our prayers, our sacrifices… all of them have value. We may never know, this side of Heaven, how many and whose hearts we have touched, and in what way, to what extent, and through which means.

What we can do is do what we are called to do continuously: grow in our knowledge, love, and service to God; strengthen our and others’ faith with prayer and sacrifice; and trustingly yield to our Lord, confident that, as all souls belong to Him, He will not give up on His own. He loves our loved ones even more than we do. And He – who knows their hearts better than even they know their own – will continue to call them to Himself.

~~~~

*The seven Sacraments:

• Baptism
• Eucharist
• Confirmation
• Reconciliation
• Anointing of the Sick
• Holy Orders
• Holy Matrimony

** The five precepts of the Church, explained in greater detail in the Catechism, para. 2042-2043, include: 

• Attend Mass on Sundays and on holy days of obligation and rest from servile labor.
• Confess your sins at least once a year.
• Receive the sacrament of the Eucharist at least during the Easter season.
• Observe the days of fasting and abstinence established by the Church.
• Help to provide for the needs of the Church.