Three Reasons We Hesitate and Three Reasons Why We Shouldn’t…
Forgiveness is looking beyond a grievance, whether it be mild or severe, and instead, choosing to will the good of the one who caused it and to leave their ultimate judgement to God. Keep in mind that in a family, where we are called in a particular way to help each other grow in faith and in virtue, “willing the good of the other” may include directly admonishing the sinner – if, in fact, a sin is involved. Much of family forgiveness, however, is more about letting go of irritations that are bound to occur when sharing the same address or ancestry! But not all of it. We do sin, and most of us do it regularly.
The good news (or more accurately, the Good News) is, whatever we’ve done or said, we can be forgiven. The bad news is, whatever another person has done or said, we are commanded from Above to forgive.
Seems like there’s always a catch, right?
That snag is particularly prevalent within the family, where the offend/forgiven and offended/forgive scenarios are played out more regularly than most other places. Yet we know, through reason and faith, that God is not out to get us with an impossible or pointless task. If God has mandated it, and He has, it is do-able and for our good. In fact, it’s as if He considers the lesson so important that He’s given us the means for regular (day-to-day?) practice under our own roofs.
But how can we do it?
The short answer is, “With Him.” But short doesn’t necessarily mean easy. While forgiveness can sometimes be straightforward and simple, it can also be entangled with factors that make it complex and challenging.
And speaking of short, we shouldn’t be too quick to let bygones be bygones in the name of forgiveness! In our hurry to restore familial relationships or “get over it” we may be glossing over a situation or pattern that actually requires a bit of pondering or deeper scrutiny and definitive action. In those instances, we may bury it or give pseudo-forgiveness by being, for a few examples, too permissive (“I just can’t stay mad!”) dismissive (“It’s not a big deal.”), resentful (“He/she is just self-centered. Period.”), prideful (“I won’t let them see how much that hurt!”), vengeful (“What goes around comes around!”), self-blaming (“It’s my fault.”), lenient (“They just don’t know any better.”), irresponsible (“It’s not my problem.”), or hopeless (“This will never change.”) These, and other hasty reactions, can end up being unauthentic, unproductive, or just plain wrong. On the other hand, some may end up being fully or partially true. But it’s best to sort it out rather than inadvertently allowing a sin or sin-in-the-making to fester.
Obstacles to forgiveness
Just as in other relationships, diverse situations in our immediate and extended family cause wounds. They vary in type – think sins of omission and those of commission; in degree – from petty irritations to deep heart-wrenching pains; and in duration- from one and done, to ones that accumulate or build on each other.
Likewise, many factors can impede our readiness and ability to forgive. Three instinctive stumbling blocks are our drive to protect ourselves, to view things from our own perspective, and to expect justice.
Self-protecting instinct…. While each conflict that arises is unique, we do tend to share a common desire to protect ourselves from the opposing party, even when we love them. The particulars of the situation may make forgiveness seem too risky, challenging, generous, bothersome, elusive, or even impossible. The temptation to opt out of forgiving a family member is particularly strong at both ends of the spectrum – when a slight seems small, we may dismiss it as inconsequential; when the grief is intense, we may dismiss it as unsurmountable. Some clashes take us by surprise and we immediately back away in defense, while others are part of a pattern that results in grudges ingrained in who we are and how we see the other person. Unfortunately, left to fester, any unsettled business can alter a relationship or even damage the lens with which we view everything and everybody, including ourselves.
Although self-protection is a valid and useful instinct, clinging to it is usually out of place in the family, where we’re called to be our authentic selves, to grow in the virtues, and to charitably minister to those closest to us. If our response is a defensive retreat, we’re giving up an opportunity to become more faithful followers of Christ. In addition, the overuse or misuse of self-protectiveness does not bode well for the institution that should be our window to the world. When we shut out that person, that opinion, that behavior, that offending whatever that occurs in our family, we are shutting out a piece of the world and shutting down our ability to impact our little corner of it in a positive way. By forfeiting the opportunity to build and maintain even the difficult relationships in our family, we’re losing the influence we may have on the piece of society that has entered our home through this encounter. What happens in the family ripples out to society. The world may need your perspective, your example of virtue, or perhaps just the assurance that all are valuable, flaws and all.
This sort of protective defense is also ironic: the very thing we’re trying to do – protect ourselves – is thwarted by the frustration of chaining ourselves to a negative unresolved scenario.
Self-oriented point of reference …. In addition to irony, there’s an interesting paradox about humans: one thing we all have in common is our uniqueness. We each have a distinct way of doing, seeing, saying, hearing, feeling, and interpreting. We also have a set of ideas about the way things should be and the way others should behave – some of which can be quite deep-rooted and rigid… and faulty.
Even with a strong belief in God, we still tend to place a lot of faith in ourselves. We trust our senses, our powers of reasoning, the lessons learned through experience, and our interpretation of events. Those are good and powerful tools – but not infallible!
When our way doesn’t mesh well with another’s, there’s potential for clashes and wounded feelings. In fact, it’s so natural to view situations from our own perspective that a hurtful exchange can easily spiral down into a simplistic and self-serving mentality: them (the offender) vs. us (the victim). When our view is backed up by another – and we do tend to seek out reinforcements for our positions – the resistance to forgive can become even stronger.
Desire for justice…. Naturally, we want to be treated fairly! And seeking justice is a noble endeavor. However, when justice demands top billing over and instead of forgiveness, it’s an obstacle. Allowing the quest for fair treatment to dominate can shift the dynamic of a grievance into some sort of transaction where, before forgiveness is granted, a debt must be paid through expressed contrition or performed penance. Furthermore, if the sorrow doesn’t satisfy, we may retaliate, imposing other “payments” such as subjecting the offender to badgering, ranting, gossiping, shunning, or stonewalling – which perpetuate and escalate rather than resolve the problem.
While we know that demanding restitution doesn’t foster sincere remorse, we still can get stuck in a justice-seeking loop, reliving an injustice again and again, and remaining agitated by an inability to have the perceived debt paid in full.
That’s not to say that we should ignore bad behavior, go along with it to keep the peace, place ourselves at its mercy, or not name it for what it is. And it’s not to mean that there aren’t or shouldn’t be consequences for actions. Of course there should be! Oftentimes that’s how people learn how to behave better, or how we prevent ongoing victimization.
Seeking justice is not wrong; it’s just different. Bestowing forgiveness is separate from having an offender take ownership or face the natural or legal consequences of their actions.
Incentives for forgiveness
When our vision is inhibited by roadblocks, we may scoff at the call to forgive a wrong. Afterall, the other person has already robbed us of some peace, why should we give them anything more? Why grant them forgiveness when it’s a gift they don’t deserve?
While our self-protective instinct, individual perspective, and the urge for justice offer some defensible arguments for choosing not to forgive, they’re not foolproof, as we’ve already begun to note. Going a step further, however, they are (fortunately!) countered with appealing and compelling reasons in favor of forgiveness. These three are also deeply embedded in our human make-up: the drive to be part of community, the desire to grow and develop, and the attraction to all that is good. These three make a powerful case in favor of forgiveness.
Desire for community… Countering the self-protective instinct is our predisposed desire to be in relationship with others. That’s a good thing, lest we live in isolation, like turtles in our separate hardened shells. Given how frequently big and small disagreements occur, we’d soon find ourselves spending an awful lot of energy “protecting” ourselves from anything but the most superficial of interactions.
Instead, we navigate, using other innate tools of our humanness – namely, and hopefully, both our faith and our cognitive awareness – to assess situations and determine the best way to respond. The urge to preserve the most basic building block of community – the family – is particularly strong, thanks to things like shared love, genetics, economics, and history. Add in shared faith, commitment, and morals, and we’ve got more mortar holding the family structure in place. As a result, the decision to forgive can be the most simple, attractive, and rewarding path to restoring or rescuing the connection.
Desire to grow and develop… While we savor our comfort zone, we also strive for more. We want to see, do, know, and understand things beyond our own limited surroundings and perspective. Look at how young children naturally progress through developmental phases. Likewise, we are not meant to be locked in a stage – even if wounds, habits, or other personality traits inhibit our progress.
This urge to discover and develop calls us to transcend our own perspective. It’s this reaching out that enables us to see situations through others’ eyes – and can also help us see things from the Divine perspective. We need not be anchored to our one-sided interpretation of events, which gets in the way of understanding and forgiveness. We have the ability to rise above our limitations or pettiness to seek a more complete view. Whereas our initial assessment may have been “us” against “them”, it’s possible to elevate that outlook, particularly when infused by God’s perspective. It’s no coincidence, since we’re commanded to forgive, that opening ourselves to other vantage points also opens our eyes and hearts to a deeper relationship with God as well as to greater self-knowledge, greater understanding of others, and a new appreciation for the peace of forgiveness.
Desire for (and expectation of) goodness … We are attracted to what is good and beautiful, and are even inclined to correct or change anything that falls short of those ideals. The attraction is so much a part of us that we tend to think things are “normal” when they are going well, and “off” when faced with incongruities and irritations. For instance, we may notice a lovely picture on the wall, but we will be much more likely to take notice if it’s hanging crooked.
It’s the same with relationships. We expect harmony, and when that is disrupted, we have the urge to see the wrong righted, the goodwill restored.
This attraction to goodness isn’t just one of arms-length or abstract admiration. It’s also active – we’re motivated to dogood. While most of us are a long way from canonization, we still have a strong desire and capacity for charitable actions, particularly within our families.
In charity, the ultimate good, we extend goodwill upon the other without presuming it will be reciprocated. True, in the middle or aftermath of a conflict in which we’ve been hurt, we may not feel particularly or immediately loving toward the other individual. However, the lure of being charitable is strong. Thank about parents sacrificing for their children, even the ungrateful ones. Ask volunteers who never meet the beneficiaries of their good deeds about why they continue, and many if not most will claim they “receive” deep satisfaction from their work. Every disaster, whether man-made or natural, is met with an outpouring of charity. Charity in all its forms – love, affection, kindness, appreciation, generosity, giving benefit of doubt, compassion, and forgiveness – make us feel good. On the other hand, when bitterness, anger, hostility, resentment, or spite takes hold of us, it feels wrong; at the very least, it’s an unpleasant sensation. Even if the situation is so dire that we must extract ourselves from the relationship, our human desire for charity would rather fill the void with a sense of compassion or some level of understanding than submit ourselves to the ongoing ulcer of bitterness.
Balance of Pros and Cons?
Highlighting three obstacles and three incentives may look like there’s a tug of war between two somewhat balanced sets of arguments. For most of us, however, that’s not the case. The pull toward community, self-growth, and goodness far outweighs what, on the surface, looks like barricades. While we may start out on the don’t-forgive spectrum – protecting self, adhering to our own perspective, and seeking justice – they need not have the last word. In fact, after allowing them to provide a pause for examining a wound, we may discover that those obstacles actually disguise stepping stones to the other side. As we scratch the surface of reasons for self-protection, for example, we may discover a deeper awareness of the absolute dignity of all persons; as we poke around our strongly held perspective, we may uncover holes in our assessments; while rallying for justice, we may come to realize that there is no justice for one without justice for all. In other words, exposing and reflecting on some of the underlying reasons why we are reluctant to forgive may be the impetus for recognizing the call to embrace it.
There we may find that forgiving another is a process of exploring, accepting, and taking part in the mending of imperfections of humanity – theirs and our own. Rather than only being a peace offering extended to the other, it becomes a gift of discovery and joy for ourselves as well.