Much is said about children misbehaving in Mass, but what about the grown-ups? You know, the ones who are supposed to know better and even act as role models for the younger crew? Personally, I cringe at some of my own transgressions and wish I could say they were all in the past.
They’re not. And looking around on Sunday mornings, I’d say I’m not alone.
Not that I have an inside track on the state of souls. Even if I did, there’s that prohibition on condemnation … and wisdom’s reminder that we frequently misjudge others. We really don’t know another’s situation or what’s going on in their faith journey.
Still, there seem to be some commonalities that bear consideration.
To that end, here’s a list to test yourself… and obviously, for reasons just mentioned, only yourself. Okay, maybe you and your spouse or a friend can review it together, but no critiquing strangers! If they’re at Mass, that’s a good thing. Rather than any negative vibe, let’s pray that each of us is able to spruce up our own act to honor God as we should.
But first, why?
One Sunday we had an “out of the mouth of babes” experience when one of our little guys became enamored with the word Alleluia! Repeating the refrain with more gusto than some congregations display, his joyfulness was heartwarming – and a reminder of what Mass is about.
Many of us, however, have forgotten or never were taught the “why” of Mass. And while there are certainly better explanations1, please accept this very abbreviated one for our purposes: we gather to praise and give sacrificial worship to the Almighty One who is awesomely generous to us. In fact, His charity is so boundless that anything we offer to Him has actually been given to us by Him, including the most perfect sacrifice, Jesus, re-presented at each Mass. Alleluia!
Yet consciously or subconsciously, we may approach Sunday mornings with the expectation of getting something out of the hour – maybe an inspiring sermon, uplifting music, or a little quiet time in an otherwise hectic life. These are all great things, and frequently occur.
But the purpose of Mass is to give, not to get.
Unless we realize that, we’re a little out of step from the get-go. Without an understanding that Mass is centered on glorifying God, both the prescribed as well as the recommended behaviors may not make sense.
That said, let’s get to the five problem areas and see where we can make some adjustments.
#1 The Problem of Punctuality
Late happens. As a parent of many, as well as a person who suffers from both the delusion of I-wish-it-were-earlier-o’clock and the desire to get-one-more-thing-done before leaving the house, I understand. On the other hand, if I were to arrive late for, let’s say, a stage performance, the venue may exercise the prerogative to have me wait in the lobby until intermission. And rightly so.
Naturally, God deserves better than ticketed entertainment. Arriving early provides precious moments to transition from worldly to Godly so to be fully present as Mass begins. If tardiness is a habit, know it’s also changeable. If you or anyone in your family are on time for anything, try adapting those practices for Mass. If not, research methods and find one or some that work.
#2 The Problem of Participation
We’ve already established that Mass isn’t a spectator sport, but if you’re looking for ways to make that concept more concrete, here are some things to consider.
Attend Mass each Sunday (or more frequently) in person. COVID lockouts felt odd as we “went” to Mass in our homes. Then the return to church felt strange. By now, going to Mass via screen should be reserved for those who are unable to attend in person.
Once there, locate a missal and hymnal in order to participate more fully. There’s time afterwards to peruse the bulletin, read a story to a little one, or share a funny or insightful comment. All fine things – but not during Mass. Instead, allow yourself to become more enthralled with the richness of our Faith by following along and joining in.
Participation includes children. Personally, I have gone to some silly extremes in catering to my littles during what I now call my apologetic (I’m-so-sorry-this-isn’t-a-super-fun-place) phase. It took me awhile to determine that setting an example for my crew, inviting their involvement, and expecting them to act their age (realistically!) went further than assuming they’d be – horror of horrors – bored and in need of my vigilant attentiveness. Parents of squiggly kids can face challenges, for sure. But take heart. There are plenty of us in Mass who, when we detect a child’s presence, even if it’s by a piercing scream, hear it as proof that the Faith is being passed on to a new generation. Alleluia!
I encourage all of us, no matter where our children are on the acceptable-behavior-for-public spectrum, to keep at it. The Church needs our children, and our children need the Church, even if or when they question that fact. Mass is part of the way they learn about having a relationship with God and how to participate in glorifying Him. The Tempter will do anything possible to discourage it – or you. You’re fighting the Tempter; battle him with prayer and perseverance.
And finally, the Catholic word “mass” comes from Latin missus, or “sent.” Our final act of participation, after the blessing and the last notes of the recessional hymn, is to take the Good News out into the world. Let’s not be stingy; our culture needs us to carry God’s love and wisdom beyond church walls.
#3 The Problem of Distractions
Even while we’re in Mass, there can be a multitude of distractions, both internal and external, that lure us away. Wandering minds are common! No matter the cause, the most reliable remedy I’ve heard is to just circle back. Agitation or self-blasting only delay our return to the moment. So let’s be gentle with ourselves… and with our kids who sometimes wander.
The other side of the coin of being distracted is the problem of being the distraction. Sometimes we can be oblivious to how we’re impacting those around us, so without trying to put too sharp an edge on it (becoming overly self-conscious does no good), here are some things to consider.
We can start by revisiting kids for a moment.
I am not a fan of cry rooms (by any name). For one thing, they often become rowdy playrooms. Second, by being segregated, children miss out on learning from the example of other adults. Third, the congregation is deprived of some joyful (and sometimes not-so-joyful) noise that indicates that the church is alive. Lastly, sometimes the location deprives the children of a full view of the beauty of the physical church and of the Mass itself. To me, children belong in the mainstream.
That said, methods of helping children grow in their acclimation to church abound, from never letting the feet of an under-3 touch the ground so you can sing and pray directly into their ear … to bringing a bag of quiet, church-appropriate items to keep them occupied… to simply allowing a child to quietly soak in their surroundings. I’ve seen all three (and more) work. It’s not a one-fits-all discussion. Nor a one-and-done decision. For instance, when one of mine was learning to read, I discovered that bringing a Children’s Bible was suddenly a loud idea. For another, I discovered that the big buttons on my coat were an engaging activity as I held her and she buttoned, unbuttoned, and rebuttoned. Whatever works. Just aim for quiet, simple, appropriate, and no-mess.
Yet even the best laid plans can go awry and we may find it helpful to take a little one out of Mass for a bit. Determining if the situation has reached that point, however, can be tricky. Some considerations? Is the child making it difficult for others to hear? Has a discreet reminder or a “look” not worked? Is ignoring the behavior causing it to die down or take a turn for the worse? The decision can be more complex if there’s one parent and more than one child. Parents can only aim for the best decision possible in the moment.
While Mom and Dad have to focus on the end-game of raising their kids Catholic despite any bumps along the way, others may not be able to tolerate lessons-in-progress. And that’s not meant to sound meanspirited. Moving to a new seat away from some active kiddos may be what is needed in order to praise God. Just be inconspicuous and charitable.
Another kid-related phenomenon, likely done with the best of intentions, is when an adult parishioner – sometimes a relative, but other times a stranger – begins to play with a little one during Mass. I don’t mean a friendly smile or a subdued wave upon entering or during the Sign of Peace. No, I’m talking about initiating games like peek-a-boo or got-your-nose, reading a storybook aloud, or high-fiving kids while enroute to receive the Eucharist. I understand the temptation to help keep an energetic child entertained or to be outgoing and friendly. But please resist. Even if the parents don’t mind, there’s the whole setting-an-example thing. Then again, some parents do mind – they may not want a stranger interacting with their child, may not want to encourage inappropriate behavior, or may not appreciate being in the awkward position of having to explain why an adult was playing during Mass.
Similarly, an awkward moment can arise when a relative (or worse, a fellow parishioner) steps in, having determined that the family needs a little help with parenting. Even if well-intentioned, it is much more charitable to refrain. Whether its unsolicited advice, a chastising scowl or a condescending comment – bottom line is that other people’s little ones are not ours to raise. Nor are the parents ours to train. Perhaps more helpful would be a silent prayer, beginning with, “Thank you, Lord, that this family (or this child) is in Mass.” A warm word of sincere encouragement or admiration to parents after Mass is also a nice touch.
A few other common disturbances?
- Cell phones going off can still be a problem, particularly if the owner lets the ringtone continue playing … or answers the call to explain that they “can’t talk right now.”
- Excessive romantic affection can be disturbing anywhere, but is particularly out of place when our focus and worship is supposed to be directed to God.
- Immodest dress – so much a part of popular styles – can also be distracting. For one thing, Mass is for praising Our Lord, which invites a heavy measure of humility. For another, immodest styles may incite another’s near occasion of sin by shifting their attention away from the sacred and toward the worldly or not-so-sacred.
- Lack of punctuality was previously mentioned, but arriving late and loud is also notable as a distraction. Anytime late happens, take some cues on etiquette from the world of entertainment. If the entrance procession has begun, for example, don’t get in the way. If Mass has started, use good judgment about whether to immediately walk up the aisle in search of a seat or wait in back for an unobtrusive moment – such as a stand-to-sit or similar transition.
- At the other end of Mass, a quiet exit is appreciated. Some people may think that when the priest leaves the altar, all is done and the nave becomes a social hall. Not so. Jesus is still present in the Tabernacle, and the nave remains a place of adoration and prayer. Robust greetings and conversations should be brought to another area. This is not a call to stop being friendly! Fellowship is vital for building up the Church community; it just shouldn’t replace reverence for God and His sacred space.
#4 The Problems of Irreverence
Already noted as a potential distraction, how we dress for Mass also can be a reflection of our reverence or lack thereof. While particular styles come and go, what hasn’t changed is that we typically wear clothes that make a statement about who we are and what we’re doing. So… what statement do we want to make about ourselves and about entering into praise of God? I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic to cries about freedom of expression or moans about discomfort, but frankly, I am. There’s much leeway for personal style while still dressing modestly, respectfully, and comfortably. Most of us could kick the formality up a notch without an iota of suffering.
There’s so much that can be said about the immense power of holy water and of the Sign of the Cross. For now, suffice it to say that purposefully blessing oneself (and one’s children until they’re able to do it themselves) with holy water when entering and exiting the church is using a sacramental in a sacramental gesture that calls us into union with The Holy Trinity.
Here’s a quick quiz: When does a person go down on left knee, on right knee, or on both? Answers: proposing marriage, genuflecting to honor Jesus in the Tabernacle, and kneeling to honor Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. More significant than the precise knee tradition is the expression of love and, in the case of Jesus, adoration. In Church for Mass, we typically genuflect to the Tabernacle when entering and exiting the pew. Some people also genuflect (or bow) immediately before receiving the Eucharist.
My husband shuns the online “donate” button on our church website, preferring the tradition of placing our contribution in the offertory basket during Mass. Preferences aside, what leans toward irreverent is not contributing or barely contributing. To ignore the practical needs of the Church is to show a lack of regard for its importance in our lives. Giving to other causes is great, but not even donations to other Catholic missions replaces our responsibility for the upkeep of our own church.
Last but not least! Although reception of the Eucharist occurs toward the end of Mass, preparation begins well beforehand by recognizing four basic requirements: be in a state of grace; believe the Mystery that, as explained in the Catholic Encyclopedia, “The Eucharist is the Real Presence of God, Jesus Christ, Body and Blood, under the appearances of bread and wine”; not be conscious of having committed any mortal sin that has yet to be brought to sacramental confession; and have fasted for at least one hour (with the exception of water and medications). I would add one more consideration: approach the Eucharist with visible reverence. Distressingly, people often look as though they’re shuffling through a cafeteria line. The privilege deserves reverence – hands folded in prayer while in the Communion procession; bowing or genuflecting before the Eucharist; responding to the proclamation of “The Body of Christ” with a clear “Amen”; receiving the Body of Christ directly upon the tongue or on a clean palm to immediately place in one’s mouth; making The Sign of the Cross before turning from the altar; repeat the reception process if also receiving the Precious Blood of Christ; and, hands folded again, returning to one’s seat for some time of prayer.
#5 The Problem of Preparation
Like most things in life and most things mentioned above, preparation is key. So many problems can be avoided when we don’t take ourselves by surprise. (It’s Sunday already? Which Mass are we going to? What should I wear? Is the diaper bag packed? Is it too late to eat? Where are the car keys?)
The remedy is simple in theory and naturally a little more challenging in practice. Aim for doing as much as possible the night before. Know where you’re going and what time you need to be there. Plan to arrive a little early to have some time to transition or, especially if children are involved, a buffer of time for anything unexpected. Then do the best you can to participate and have your little ones participate. And know that God is smiling. He is so glad you’re there!
1 There’s so much that can be said about the Mass, but by others who are actually and highly qualified. Here’s a link to one such talk that provides an enlightening and engaging invitation to understanding the Mass: The Real Reason We Go to Mass .
2 Some churches have everything for that particular Mass printed out rather than having missals and hymnals, and some people bring their own – often with additional reflections and prayers.