While I can’t always count on complete accuracy when recalling details, it still surprises me when an event or situation is remembered so differently by people who lived through it together. Two siblings, for example, raised with all the same basic family conditions and characteristics, will sometimes relate drastically different accountings of their formative years. I don’t mean a few differing points or some slight variations of the same story. I’m talking about one person recalling an overall positive experience while the other’s memories are shrouded in negativity.
All else being equal (and setting aside truly traumatic or abusive situations) we might chalk it up to disposition. But even if that is true, are we locked into one or the other? Are some of us victims of a Negative-Ned/Nancy personality quirk or a “crabby” gene?
Maybe. But I’ll leave that to biologists.
A different culprit could be the interpretive lens we look through, and with our experiences, particularly the negative ones, being categorized either as having happened to us or as having happened for us.
It’s an important distinction.
In the first, we interpret events in such a way that we are victims of the circumstance or persons. We believe we’ve been mistreated and we’re scarred, to varying degrees, by the experiences. When we hang onto those wounds we can become stuck, even enslaved, by them.
But in the second, we view occurrences as part of a journey where sometimes bad stuff just happens. Journeys provide opportunities– albeit not all ones we would necessarily choose – to grow and learn. Here, our experiences are stepping stones; even the unpleasant ones serve a purpose.
These predilections can have a profound impact on us. On an intellectual level at least, we know that growing and learning is part of our job as humans and, in a particular way, as Christians. Every moment of our existence brings us closer to our final judgement and everlasting destination. In this life, we continually make choices that either help us to prepare for or set us up to reject an eternity spent with God. Ideally that means that we recognize the teachable moments that come our way and take advantage of them so as to move in a heavenly direction.
It sounds so easy, but I would guess that most of us are unable to keep that in the forefront of our minds when a parent is preachy, a salesperson is rude, traffic is backed up, a boss is demanding, a spouse is self-absorbed, a child is sassy – or when any of the other daily surprises attack our serenity. While we’re busy reacting to the moment, we’re often too preoccupied to notice how God is present. Or even that God is present.
Memories provide a second chance.
Revisiting an event, whether it be from earlier that day or earlier in our lives, can provide the space and grace needed to see things in a new light. We can re-examine a singular event or a pattern through the lens of how it has brought us closer to God, or how God saw us through. Memories – both recent and long ago – can be revisited to catch a glimpse of where, in them, we touched heaven or acquired tools (i.e., virtues) for a better journey.
Naturally, the process is best fueled by prayer. These are four that I have found to be particularly helpful: awareness, forgiveness, perspective, and gratitude.
Awareness:
Any simple prayer to invite God into the discovery process will do. He always shows up. Once you’re with Him, call to mind the specific event, a collection of troubling memories, or a particular person or group associated with the bad experience(s). If no definitive event or person is on your radar, and instead there is just a sense of general anxiety or irritability, ask God to reveal any incidents or events stuck somewhere in the recesses that may be feeding the discontent and interfering with your ability to feel His presence and joyfully pursue His call toward being united with Him.
Then, guided by His promptings, lift it all up to gain a better look at the fuller story or stories: who was there, what led up to it, what was the central incident, who was the “villain”, what was the wound, what was the reaction, what was the aftermath? Sit with it all; there’s no great rush. Sometimes it’s helpful to jot down whatever random thoughts come up. Making a quick note can help assure a point is not overlooked or forgotten, and that we don’t get weighed down by prematurely analyzing, evaluating or processing the memories.
Forgiveness:
After taking the time to acknowledge it all, make a move to forgive. It may seem like we should be further along before we make this attempt, but it’s actually good to get an early start on adopting this posture. We need to signal to ourselves our readiness to try, and this helps demonstrate that we’re at least entertaining the option.
Of course, we shouldn’t be shocked if, at this point, all that can be mustered is a halting desire to ask God for help in being open to forgive. The God of five loaves and two fishes can work with whatever we’re able to give, so being slightly open to the concept of forgiving is enough to begin moving forward.
And – strange as it may sound – don’t be shocked if it appears that at least one of the people in need of a measure of forgiveness is the person in the mirror. Nothing happens in a vacuum; we all have our moments where we instigate, over-react, under-react, misread, or otherwise behave badly.
(Another thing worth remembering is that forgiving does not mean forgetting a wrong done. Forgiveness is releasing the person from the emotional, physical, or material debt they owe for the offense. Forgetting – turning back time and behaving as though the offense never happened – may not be possible, healthy or wise.)
Perspective:
When it comes to perspective, I’d like to think I never get stuck in my own head, narrowly seeing things only through the lens of “me”. And while I really try to avoid that sort of tunnel vision, my desire is neither enough nor reliable. That’s where and why a prayer for perspective is helpful. I need to specifically ask for a wider view, allowing the I-me-mine camera to zoom outward, providing a fuller picture. The results are always insightful, and sometimes breathtakingly so. Not only does the “other” viewpoint have a chance to emerge, but God’s perspective can break through too. At the very, very least, I’m reminded that my “adversary” is a child of the same God, with gifts and shortcomings like every human, and with an eternal soul journeying to the same Heaven. And frankly, who am I to render condemnation?
Gratitude:
If none of the other prayers seems strange, gratitude may fit the bill. Yet gratitude has the power to absolutely demolish negativity.
When we reach a point where we can identify a reason (or better yet, several reasons) to be thankful for the situation and/or person, the bitter hold of a bad memory loosens. In turning our attention to blessings received in the mix of the unpleasantness, we are free to reframe the experience – allowing ourselves to appreciate and be transformed by greater understanding, wisdom, and by the other virtues planted or nurtured.
We even may discover that the incident, now cut down to size by hindsight, was actually rather petty and is, finally and easily dismissed. That, let me tell you, is a sweet surprise.
To Reconcile or Not Reconcile: A Decision
The process of revisiting our negative memories, reframing them, and being released from the chains of an embittered heart helps us. We become free to live and love and grow as we were meant to.
Once we’ve taken care of ourselves, however, another question may arise: what about reconciling with the other person? Afterall, we are called to forgive and we are called to love. Those are commands. Furthermore, it’s lovely when forgiveness opens hearts to a sweet reconciliation or when love is rekindled to its former warmth.
Lovely, yes, but those outcomes may not be possible, practical, necessary, or advisable. They may not even be welcome.
But then again, there can be situations where sharing “teachable moments” would be well-received or needed. Perhaps if it’s a current and ongoing relationship? If there’s clear mutual benefit for sharing insights to help the relationship mend or improve? Maybe you’re charged with the task of admonishing a person under your care? In such situations, discussing a fix or revelation with the other person or people could be a great idea.
Tread carefully though; others may not view invitations to make a change as a delightful step forward to a better relationship.
In addition to a frank discussion not necessarily being the most prudent course to take, it may also not be the most direct route. Instead, our actions may speak louder. In other words, our self-growth leads us to adjust our own behavior – and that is often enough to change relationships without any exchange of words, least of all any confrontational ones.
In short, all these considerations should be weighed carefully when feeling the urge to have a heart-to-heart. The bottom line is that this was never a crusade to change someone else. After the real healing mission is accomplished, then it may – or may not – make sense to look at the separate issue of how the relationship can be reimagined for the future. In the meantime, we have been freed from the prison of negativity and the other has been freed from the resentments we harbored against them.